Oppa Gangnam Style: The Ferret does Prague

Apparently it's become something of a meme in S. Korea, and I asked Alex to get a video of me drunkenly doing the dance to complement this piece but... Well if I'm drunk, explaining anything to him is borderline impossible. Yet, nevertheless, gangnam style suggests to me 'I'm gonna look like a twat yet do it anyway because it could be fun,' which sums up a lot of this trip. And the whole 'heeeeeey sexy lady' part, well that fits too (hot damn). Apparently there's also a major subtext westerners missed out on about the materialism of the modern world. Well, that has absolutely nothing to do with this trip. In fact, if anything, Alex was at his least materialistic which is certainly something I should commend, even if it resulted in more photo's of me in the bathroom and hours of drunken woman chasing, but moving on:

1. Alex owns a copy of 'Twilight' on blu-ray. I don't know why, but he does.


2. And so it begins, the drive to the airport; I succeeded in watching parts II and III of 'Family Guy's Star Wars Special' waiting for him to get ready. Because lord knows you gotta make sure your hair is just right for a day at the airport.


3. Once again, tripadvisor has not done me wrong. The arranged taxi took us on a free detour to point out all the places the locals eat and drink (including his favourite 24/7 bar and casino next door), and when we arrived we were quickly greeted by an eccentric but welcoming laid back woman greeting us with beer and laughter who was only slightly creepy in that she reminded me a little of a younger - and obviously Czech - version of my aunt, as she proceeded to scold me for not doing enough preparation and telling us what our itinerary should be, ending with 'I mean if you wanted to, it's your holiday.' In retrospect it's a little strange how someone can feel like a lost family member within a few minutes. The place is literally a small two bed flat. Fridge, glasses, two double beds, next door to Tesco and a 24/7. Perfect.


4. Location wise, we aren't in the middle of the hustle and bustle; we're close enough to go out on our drinking binges in the touristy old town a gentle 30 min stroll away, yet also far enough out that we find ourselves immersed in local life. In fact, in the surrounding area is local Czech food at dirt cheap prices and bars where the beer never stops flowing. They might not look like much by comparison to the glamour of the old town but they certainly have it where it counts.


5. Food isn't exactly what you would call healthy here in Prague. It's actually less healthy than American food, though not served in the same portion sizes. If the South East Asians eat rice, the Irish eat potatoes, the Czech eat pork. When we ordered a leg of pork, it was literally a leg of pork - a kilo in total - on a spit. Slow roasted and then served with fried dumplings (dear lord the dumplings, sliced stomach fillers), fried bread and beer gravy (vegeta-what now?), washed down with uhhh... more beer. Simple, cheap, sleep-inducing honest food that begs the question, how do the women stay so slim? Seriously, I've seen plenty of men in your country that want to know. With food this addictive - why is there no Czech restaurants in my home town? I'd practically live there...


6. And the beer, oh the beer. Staropramen, in four different kinds for a pound a pint, the brewery next door, poured straight from the barrel. Oh sweet jesus i'm in love. And it's nothing like the beer back home, as in I would have thought it was two different beers altogether, which is rather odd. It's actually cheaper to have a pint than grab a bottle of water, which means more often than not when you find yourself in need of cooling off - and given that we arrived for the hottest days the city had seen for over 200 years, hitting peaks of about 38C, it's suffice to say this happened quite a lot - you're far more likely to order a nice cold pint than a luke warm bottle of water.


7. There must be something in the water here though, because you can't walk down the street without spotting some woman to make your jaw drop. And the accent; that seductive russian-esque slant that seems to have softened up and sounds so much smoother. At first it was really quite distracting; fuck off skinny bitches i'm trying to sight see here, but you get used to it. In truth, a large number are really too thin. I've seen arms that look like toothpicks, and legs that weren't much bigger...


8. So in summary, the food is cheap. The beer is cheap. The women are... Uhh Alex, what site is that?!?!


9. Smoking room? What's that? Smoke! - Yes, Prague is a smokers haven, permitting you to smoke just about anywhere. Night clubs, restaurants, around the palaces and castles; you name it, you can probably smoke there.


10. Third trip abroad with Alex, and once again he's managed to fail to bring adequate footwear. Whilst admittedly the heat caused me to sweat and garnered myself a couple of blisters, they were largely ignorable. Alex, however; 'my feet ache, my heels hurt, the bottom of my feet, every time I step on it causes pain, my legs hurt, my thigh's ache.' For someone who hits the gym a hell of a lot more than me, he still doesn't seem to have a high level of fitness. Either that or he's got a ridiculously low threshold for pain. All I know is Emily was a far better walker. His feet looked fine, there was nothing there...


11. The astronomical clock I swear had a trumpeter playing 'Auld Langs Ayne.' I mean, wut? Don't you have your own folk songs?


12. They seem to like their small dogs here. Large men with the tiniest of puppies make for one of the strangest sights.


13. The Czech seem to have an odd love/hate relationship with foreigners. Certain areas are dense in tourists but almost empty of locals whilst smaller bars on the cities outskirts seem to flourish from the local trade. They aren't necessarily unfriendly, but many seem apathetic towards you, often unwilling to help in giving directions or even simple advice of where to go. Whilst it can make the place less enjoyable and more difficult to find its hidden wonders than, for example, my stay in Finland where everyone seems to be happy to have a chat, it's not something i'm offended by. It's hardly as if London is the most tourist friendly of places either, and it is of course a generalisation with plenty of exceptions along the way; the Czech metallers, the 'Rock Chick' from our first restaurant who recognised us a couple of times in passing, the bar wench who sat down and gave us a local spirits guide, and the two girls that sat down to some shots with us before we left to name but a few.


14. Hat trick! Yay! I abandoned him 5mins away when we were in NYC, around the corner from our hotel in Finland, but where in Prague? Just the other side of the city :-P No seriously. He wasn't on the map. Not that he had the map. Or any battery left on his phone as it turns out. He ended up walking aimlessly and hopelessly lost, drunkenly napping in a dumpster before continuing onwards until he found a metro station and remembered what station we were next to. Total time lost? Four hours. 'Never again' he said. 'Drag me away' he said. Why, but abandoning you in foreign countries is so much fun!


15. The Czech love beer so much, they consume more than anywhere else in the world. That's right America! You're being outdrank by this small country! And actually, by the UK amusingly. Lots of lager, but a strong lager. Full bodied, flavoursome, heavy. Absolutely nothing like the diluted urine one usually associates with the drink.


16. The main Staropramen brewery here in Prague is capable of bottling 16 bottles of beer per second. Challenge accepted.


17. Enter a restaurant, ask for a menu. Seems obvious right? So they give Alex, and only Alex, a menu. After a few seconds of failing to get the attention of the waiter, he finally comes over. 'Are you ready to order?' HELLO, CAN YOU FUCKING SEE ME? He seemed genuinely taken aback when I turned to glare at him and quickly hurried off to get another menu.


18. What impresses me most about the cities architecture is not neccesarily one building in particular but rather all those deemed uninteresting. There's Italian inspired pieces, ex-communist Russian towers, a cheap 'Eiffel Tower' copy, gothic buildings, renaissance, art-nouveau; there's work from the 13th century slapped beside the 17th century. There's so many different styles and influences so close together that it's incredible and quite frankly bizarre to see.


19. Prague has developed a reputation as one of Europes party capitals, and it's not too hard to see why. Bars are everywhere and you do get the feeling that whatever you're looking for, you can find it, so long as you know where to look. It's odd how liberal attitudes are here given their past; drugs may be illegal but they flow freely, and most take the attitude of 'so long as you're not hurting anybody;' prostitution is famously legal with a number of brothels in the area; night clubs feel largely unregulated, but all this is all a double edged sword. This also can potentially lead to problems when conflict arises, with little place to turn to. For example, there is a law that states if there is no receipt, there is no obligation to pay in an effort to help prevent being overcharged, and the taxi's are renowned for being some of the most dangerous and unreliable the world over. With the recent debacle over Randy Blythe's imprisonment, when you understand a little about the city, you can easily understand how the attitude could so readily have led to the fans unfortunate demise and the subsequent 'overcharging' of his bail.


20. What's hilarious about watching Alex put on his hair spray is the way he screws up his face going 'agh' expecting to spray himself in the face with it when in reality, he's spraying nowhere near his head at all. I pointed this out to him. 'It settles' he said.


21. Isn't this ironic: we went to a blind exhibition, an exhibition where it's literally pitch black and a blind woman guided us around simulating rooms of a house, a park with statues to try and figure out, a bar to have a beer in, so on and so forth. What's next door? Hooters. Though admittedly, the woman were perhaps only mildly above average for Prague, which means they were still freakin' hot. And yes, we ate there. They were very good at getting you to order; leaning over in tight low cut tops and talking to you. 'Oh, you asked asked a question, uhhh.. Yes. Wait, what? Oh shit what did I order... Ah. Potato salad.' I think it was a slow night, they seemed to spend a lot of time doing hula and one even practiced some ballet moves.


22. The bell at St. Vitus cathedral is called Sigmund. Sigmund doesn't get rung anymore; he's so big and so heavy that he causes a deep sound that vibrates the very ground, causing damage to the cathedral and the immediate surrounding palace. Touché doom metal band of the same name, an apt name indeed.


23. The Czech's do like their head (and I am of course talking about the beer), but it's a bit too much for me. I'd rather drink liquid rather than froth, and getting a frothy 'tache is just annoying.


24. In the UK (and indeed the US I believe) there's an intoxication law; if you're too drunk, no more. In Prague, there is no 'too drunk.' In fact, I swear if you look hammered they'll sit next to you, lean over and go 'so what's next?' with a big smile on their faces. And how could you say no to that face? Or more precisely, how could ALEX not say no that face, as he proceeds to order our 8th shot only because it meant the bar wench would have to return to give it to us.


25. Evening one: Time to wander aimlessly into the old town. Pubs galore; less than four hours in the country and we've found an English pub where we met friendly Icelandic tourists. A quick hunt around later and it's off to the only place left open; Club Karlovy Lazne. Which just so happens to be the largest night club in Prague. Five floors of stuffy and overly hot rooms, dancing, smoking, no rules on where you can dance, flaming shots, cheap beer, absolutely no locals, and one really angry cleaner who kept yelling at Alex for smashing his glasses on the floor at her feet. 'It was an accident' he exclaims, tossing another over his shoulder.


26. Night two: well, last night was ok but too hot and bad music. Off to Harley's; a place barely known by non locals but famed for it's displays of fire breathing, bottle juggling and table dancing to classic Metallica, Scorpions and Twisted Sister tunes. What began as a planned early night turned into a 7am stagger back - for me anyway, Alex would arrive 3 hours later after I abandoned him when he refused to leave, and in case anyone thinks I was being a dick, the place had pretty much emptied and I spent over an hour trying to get him to come with me, which to my mind is more than enough time to absolve me of just being a dick to him - after spending the night swinging from the rafters, banging my head, dancing with the best (looking) of the czech rockers, hoisting various people up and throwing them in the air and heavily drinking with a friendly local who just so happens to be in a metal band. The only downside is that it just so happened to be a gay night. Which come to think of it kinda explains the plaid shirts, shaved heads, and large numbers of women getting off with one another. Eh, nastorovie!


27. How do we stay out until the early morning and still see the sights of the city? Easy! Assuming you don't actually need to sleep for more than an hour or two for some bizarre reason.


28. Night Three: ok, that's it. We're shattered. It turns out we do need sleep. A strong beer in a bar with a side of pig leg and sleep has been well and truly induced. Time for the stroll back along the waterfront stopping only to take in the fireworks. I have no idea why there were fireworks. Quite frankly at this point it could have just been neurons in my eyeballs popping from the lack of sleep.


29. Final night: Like fuck we can be assed to walk far. We saw a riverside party; cheap booze sold by a woman who clearly bought a couple of kegs from the nearby supermarket and rolled it down here thinking she could make a tidy profit (and I expect she did), dancing; there was a photographer taking pictures of the Prague nightlife (which I hope never surfaces as i'm confident they caught me in multiple drunk and dodgy looking positions). Then it was back to the hotel... Or at the least the bar next door. Because when they say non-stop, turns out they actually mean non-stop! Admittedly, its mostly Czech pop and hip-hop playing on the jukebox but eh. At 3am when you're drunk who cares. The barwoman who ended up doing shots with us even gave us some money to put in the jukebox, though apparently Slayer's 'South of Heaven' was not a popular choice and she made me put on Michael Jackson. I feel dirty even typing it.



30. Addendum: Shit Alex Says
    
    
    • [Me and Alex playing zombies]
      "hide in the corner, hide in the corner... Dead. Wait how did you kill more than me?"
      "I threw a grenade"
      "WHAT?!?!"
    
    
    • "I'll make you one of my pizza's, it's hot"
      "That's fine"
      [a few moments later...]
      [Tears streaming down my face, hungry but in physical fucking pain.]
      "Did you like those scotch bonnets you ate? Look! They come with a health warning!" 0_0
    
    
    • [on approaching a roundabout]
      "Shit, I forgot how to brake"
    
    
    • "You stepped on my shoe laces! Those are Ralph Lauren shoelaces"
      "who buys Ralph Lauren shoelaces?"
      "...they're comfortable."
    
    
    • [enter man]
      "pah, what is this"
      [walks off]
      "Czech really is an odd sounding language"
      "He was speaking English..."
    
    
    • "Who doesn't use three kinds of toothpaste?"
    
    
    • "I just found this really hot chick, but she's asking me for 3000kr"
      "..."
      "Can I borrow 3000kr?"
    
    
    • "Remember the song, forget the artist. All artists write one or two good songs, they never make a whole album of good music. You only listen to metal, I listen to everything. Just because I didn't know who Dvorak was, and just because I don't know the names of any jazz, hip-hop, or electronica artists doesn't mean I don't have broader tastes than you, I just care about what I feel. You get all over analytical with your music, with me it's just whether I can feel the music and I can appreciate the work that's gone into it. Yes, I mostly listen to acoustic rock, because thats my dream, to be a famous acoustic rock artist, but that doesn't mean I don't have broad tastes. I want people to remember my name, I just won't remember theirs. You only listen to metal. It's all a matter of belief." - paraphrasing a conversation. I will admit though, he was quite drunk. This conversation occurred shortly after the 8 shots with the cute barmaid, which for Alex is quite a lot.
    
    
    • "Oh shit, we're going by the river. I can't swim, I'm drunk, I'll drown."
    
    
    • "My legs are literally fucked in the ass"
      "...wut?"
      "My legs yeah? They feel like they've been literally fucked in the ass."
      "...wut?"
    
    
    • "do you want some pills?"
      "...what?"
      "I have some pills, do you want some? I'm gonna do some"
      "..."
      "... caffeine pills"