Bungees, Buns, B53's and a Belgian Woman: The Ferret Does Hong Kong and Macao

Continuing the tale of my epic journey across the land of China, a brief five hour flight - almost directly South - and we soon found ourselves in the blistering heat of Hong Kong; a land that was once a British colony before being handed back to the Chinese in '97, filled with expats and people that actually speak English. You can read about the first part of my escapade here.

1. Day one and we arrive in Mongkok, the most densely populated place on the planet. But I mean, how bad can it be? Oh it's pretty bad. I spent my time here sharing a 8x12 foot room with Alex on the 8th floor of a 16 floor building on a road that you can't physically see for all the god damn people on it, waking up each morning to the sound of Alex standing butt naked in front of me doing his hair and yelling "don't look! don't look!" The shops cover multiple floors with signs hanging everywhere. We're only 4 floors up from a Cat Café (the Café Idea) for example. Guess where we'll be heading sooner or later :-P (turns out they make good Korean food, so naturally I had to introduce Alex to the wonders of kimchi. Mmmm... kimchi). They have made every possible attempt to make the maximum use of every spare inch of space, although I didn't spot the two-man coffee shops as seemed to fill Seoul. Walls are covered with ads, store signs sit everywhere above your heads, every inch of the room we stayed in seemed to house a practical purpose and at some places you're expected to share dinner tables with as many as 6 other people.
   
   
2. It's been gradually getting worse but now Alex is smoking more than me in the evenings. He thinks it makes him look cool or something, smoking the cheapest brand money can buy and refusing to actually take the smoke down. All in all he mostly looks like he has some sort of mental health problem, often making a duck face as he blows out the smoke. I've tried to convince him to smoke properly (or ideally, not to smoke at all) but alas, it was to no avail. So now I have a guy constantly bumming smokes off me so he can waste them. Yeah, there's a reason he's smoking the cheap stuff. Like fuck am I giving him the nice smokes.
   
   
3. My yellow fever rages on, with another large number of very attractive women, albeit not quite as many as Beijing - I guess i prefer the northern to southern Chinese - but I'm getting the impression that the Chinese as a people just tend to be frickin' cute. That said, my yellow fever has subsided quite a lot as I've stop noticing them so much, and many here really are too thin. I do also feel better about the state of my teeth here. Lots of wonky - and not in the cute way - and stained yellow gnashers populating many of the mouths of those about my age. Anyone who still believes that myth about Brits having bad teeth out to take a stroll around these streets. Jeez.
   
   
4. There has to got to be some trick or innate natural ability the Chinese posses that both me and Alex lack. Not chopstick usage as I'm getting pretty deft with these two wooden sticks, but the ability to eat Chinese food and not get it everywhere. Noodles slapping against your chin and slipping off the chopsticks onto the table; whole prawns and crab seemingly impossible to consume short of using hands to crack open; hot pots that inexplicably splash every time you go to grab another bite. We've left tables looking like a warzone of assorted food items. How the fuck do they do it?
   
   
5. Speaking of dinner, some of the places here aren't exactly up to British standards. With all the heat, anywhere open is soon buzzing with flies. Alternatively, you can go inside where you run the risk of fuck knows what dripping on your head. Not everywhere is like that though, mostly just the smaller street corner type places in the heart of Mongkok. There are restaurants here too, and elsewhere is much more sanitary, but within this district you often need to pay for the privilege of not getting dripped on. Potentially this is why the trip has cost me so god damn much. All the fancy restaurants we kept going to. That, and Alex ordering everything on the menu and then expecting me to split the bill with him.
   
   
6. The weather on the whole is perhaps only slightly warmer than Beijing, with each day somehow seeming hotter than the last, but because of the density is massively more humid. As a result, brief walks in the day cause me to sweat like an absolute bitch. Its dripping from my nose as I type this. My underwear feel like they're melting into my skin. By the time I'd hit Cheung Chau, I'd bought myself a small towel to mop up the profuse amounts of sweat dripping from my face.
   
   

7. Alex is developing a problem. Half the time he takes a shit his nose starts to bleed. It'd be hilarious if it didn't mean I had to wait for him to fix it every time. I mean, he shits a half dozen times a day and takes a good ten to fifteen minutes a time even without the nose bleeds. All that time adds up yo! I could have had an extra hour or two sleep a night if you could stop shitting!
   
   
8. We both were telling each other no more spending. No more gifts, trinkets, souvenirs or otherwise. Then we took a stroll down temple street night market. Boy did that idea go out the fucking window. Stalls filled with everything from Chinglish signs to keyrings, lighters, dresses, gowns, and for some reason an Indian restaurant. I think I spent even more than Alex on this one, but a special edition X Japan's 'Blue Blood' and a limited edition copy of Nana Mizuki's 'Rockbound Neighbours' for twenty quid, I mean, duh?
   
   
9. The heat here bothers me less than the AC. Sweltering heat, followed by blasting cold AC from the doorway of the nearest shop, back to the heat right up until the next 5 feet to the next; blasting cold air fired at you in the subway, back out to the sweltering surface- ARGH. I'm either hot or cold but never is it 'normal,' which makes it hard to get acclimatised. In fact its a downright pain.
   
   
10. In some ways the lack of signal of any kind on my phone here is a nuisance. In others it's a liberation when I'm able to observe Alex constantly trundling along messaging people or fiddling with his phone as we walk, no clue where he is or where we're going, causing me to constantly give him such information repeatedly upon request, invariably not really hearing the response. As a result I wonder how many of the sights he missed simply by having his attention taken by this little device. Certainly, he didn't notice the gigantic towering Buddha visible through the clouds when we first arrived to Tian Tan until I pointed to it, and serves as a reminder for my future travels to keep it's usage to a minimum; to live for the moment and not overly concern myself with my life back home. Then again, I am typing all of this on my phone as I walk.
    
    
11. I had it all planned out; a trip to the Hong Kong history museum, a jaunt to the peak and Madamme Taussauds, ending up at the sky tower for precisely 6.58pm. The precise time of the sunset. There was just one tiny winy incy wincy detail I forgot to check. Cloud cover. Yeah, we were standing in a cloud so thick we could barely make out the other end of the observation deck. Fortunately, once night began to fall, things began to open up and we were treated to the slow reveal of Hong Kong's beauty as it presented itself.
    
    
12. I suppose I ought to mention my first visit to Wan Chai, even if my memory is a little foggy. We were thoroughly unprepared. In fact, we weren't even planning on going there, happy for a pint in neighbouring expat party central, Lan Kwai Fong. The very first god damn bar we arrive at and we end up talking to some expats; me content to talk to the French and Aussie guys - who reminded me a little of my own dad and his friend Jody for some reason - whilst Alex was helping Stella, the bar maid, and the owner get through some shots. A few B53s and the biggest bottle of Chimay I have ever seen, at one point fed to me straight from the bottle, and they'd soon promised to show us a night on the town. A quick phone call to bring Alex a shirt - he was still in his sleeveless vest from our exploits during the day, and we hadn't the time to trek back to the box. I told you we were unprepared - and it was time for 'Escape;' a nightclub filled with Thai, Filipino and Indonesian girls. A quick dance on floor with the French dude and a guy who looked like a Buddhist monk who was joining in the festivities and it wasn't long before we started to draw some attention. I cant confess to remember everything that happened after that (and probably shouldn't reveal half the stuff I do remember), but I do recall at one point having two Thai girls latched onto each arm going 'nooo he want to buy ME drink' - ladies, please, I'm not buying either of you a drink - and not making my way back until the early hours of the morning. Who needs sleep? We did later take a look around the streets of Lan Kwai Fong properly to see what it was all about, and y'know what? We ended up at the exact same god damn bar, 'The Brew House," drinking more shots with Stella, knocking back another bottle of Chimay, and briefly stumbling upon one of the members of up and coming Singaporean thrash legends 'Xanadoo.' Thrash fans would do well to check them out.
    
    
13. Unlike Beijing which felt like another world, Hong Kong feels quite reminiscent of other places I've visited. The bars remind me of those in Singapore; the skyline of Manhattan; the feminine skinniness of the Malay; and that's not all necessarily a negative thing. Certainly it's more touristic and heavily populated with expats, and whilst I can't quite put my finger on precisely what leads to this sensation, the British rule that existed here until so recently has definitely made its mark and left it feeling a lot less "alien." As a result, the stay here is somewhat more within the confines of my comfort zone, without my mind constantly wondering what's happening or having to fight to have what I'm saying understood.
    
    
14. Cheung Chau Bun Festival!!! Yes, its as strange as it sounds. A Chinese celebration on the remote fishing island of Cheung Chau, celebrating to good luck in the next year by turning vegetarian, parading through the streets and, at midnight, crowding around to see the wonder of the infamous bun race, where those lucky few compete to race up a 10m tower of soft sweet buns to grasp those at the top. Streets are filled with parading dragons and entertainers; market stalls and makeshift food sellers, much of it all bun themed. I myself have acquired a bun themed fan, fridge magnet and flannel to mop up the sweat from the face. Because it is still fucking hot. Madness Hong Kong style! Oh, and we spent most of the day with a Belgian woman called Murielle, who we met up with near our guest house and again randomly at a museum, hence the title. Felt I should probably explain that bit.
    
    
15. So, the ferry to Macau. Its a high speed one making the journey in roughly an hour. I didn't quite realise how fast this thing was until I heard the jet engines that power it begin to whirr and the intercom call for seat belts to be fastened. I have never needed seat belts for a god damn ferry before.
    
    
16. So let's get the big finale over and done with, for our last full day of adventuring we decided to take a trip to Macau for one reason: the Macau tower. Or more specifically, to jump off this 332m high monstrosity. Strapped with a bit of rope to my leg, we accomplished our very first bungee jump; the tallest bungee jump in the world, coincidentally. They tossed in a walk around the outside for a few quid as there was a wait; well that skywalk really made it hit home. Feet dangling off the edge, held on by a rope as you lean over and stare directly down; the couple with us for the walk looking at each other exclaiming "thank god we're not jumping" whilst me and Alex stare at one another yelling "why the fuck are we jumping?!?!?!" But there you can feel the rope securing you. Standing on the god damn edge with it feeling like nothings attached but a pair of prison chains around your ankles; the burly Singaporean man counting down until he's gonna let go and leave you to free fall. Not gonna lie, it's a 'holy shit' moment; a 'what the fuck did I do in my life to lead me here,' but you need that second to overcome it and think 'fuck it,' and just go. It helped in my case that Alex stumbled off the edge first, because there is no fucking way I'm giving that man any reason to gloat over me, and so, too, down I went. "It's too late to change your mind." I thought. "You're royally fucked now," but then you fall. The feeling is an indescribable euphoria; hurtling towards the ground at 60kmph staring vertically down, the air rushing past you and the adrenaline coursing through your veins. In those few seconds everything is forgotten and you feel free, invincible, and capable of conquering anything. We were both tempted to just go straight back up and jump off again.
    
    

17. Once that was unfortunately over, we took to the streets of Macau to take in the sights. It's often called the Vegas of the east (its gambling revenues are actually greater than those in Vegas, 'cos if there was one thing the Chinese love as much as spitting it's gambling), and it's not hard to see why. Fake Chinese and Roman buildings litter the street and fail horrendously to disguise their real purpose in gambling or as places to nap between sessions of gambling. Neon lights rivalling Mongkok flood the streets and tourists are everywhere. Any resemblance to the Macao that once was are all but obliterated from existence, and whilst I've heard the government want to turn it into a more "family friendly" location, they have a long way to go. Everything is just casinos and hotels, with perhaps the odd restaurant or corner shop to break up the scenery. Those floors that aren't meticulously swept by the casino employees find themselves littered with the business cards of call girls. If there were many night time activities that wasn't gambling orientated, I didn't spot them. The one set of genuinely old buildings in then centre of Macau that didn't house blackjack tables and roulette wheels (surprise surprise, they were shops) just looked plain weird. Slap bang in the middle of Asia, 16th century Portuguese architecture. Because Macao is an ex-Portuguese colony, so all the road signs are in both Chinese and Portuguese. It just looks... wrong.
    
    
18. Of course, in order to see Macau we would be required to walk around Macau, an idea Alex took offence to. Now I grant you, it was very hot. A paddling pool of sweat around my balls kinda hot, but I accepted that and persevered onwards. Alex, on the other hand, decided the best course of action would be to cry. I mean he looked steps away from physical tears at one point, complaining it was getting late and then wanting to stop off to take a dozen photos of a fish restaurant at every angle; crying for a taxi which would have prevented us from seeing anything of the country. But we finally made it to the ferry terminal after our walk and sat on a first class ferry back to Hong Kong. The difference between the classes, as it turns out, is we get one meal that looks too disgusting to eat. We only got it because it was the next available ferry, and like fuck am I waiting 3 hours for the next economy class seat.
    
    
19. And with that our journey was complete. The final day spent returning to the kitty café for a cuddle before making our way for afternoon drinks in the one place the party never stops, Wan Chai, taking an early night in preparation for the long and early flight ahead of us. The most epic voyage of my life so far; two weeks of madness filled with dancing monks, Thai shoulder massages, Scarface gangster clubs, Chinese national anthems, sweet buns, humongous walls, and far, far, far too much shopping.
    
    

20. Addendum: The Quotables (Or "Shit Alex Says")
    
    
    • Alex: I'm sorry man, turbulence. Had to sit on your face.
    
    
    • Alex: I've only got one shirt left, so I'll get some laundry done. You think if I pay her an extra 100 she'll iron them?
      Me: The iron is free. Just iron it yourself.
      Alex: Are you serious? I don't iron. What do you take me for?
    
    
    • Alex: I don't care about the country I just care about the shops - Alex on a potential return trip to Beijing.
    
    
    • Alex: Gurro shit. Gurro shit. Nihao nihao. - The sound of Alex taking a shit in Beijing.
    
    
    • Alex: Next time we do this? Don't tell me what it is.' - Alex after I pointed out that I'm pretty sure the street food we just devoured drunk at 2am was sheep's intestine.
    
    
    • Me: Why are you clucking like a chicken?
      Alex: Oh, I sat on my hat
    
    
    • Alex: I am Buddhist, have you got a problem with that? - Alex after I pointed out he was paying homage to Buddha incorrectly.
    
    
    • Tom: Are you bored?
      Alex: No, I'm buddhist
    
    
    • Alex: They thought you were my girlfriend and I went no-no-no. He's my boyfriend.
    
    
    • Alex: Is it real?
      Shop Girl: [Laughs] Noooo - Alex perusing a Chinese market.
    
    
    • Alex: Waaahh I can't open my coke can... Tom can you open my coke for me? Toooom... Open my lolly for me. It's really hard...
    
    
    • Me: Are you OK?
      Alex: No, I'm hungry, my feet hurt, my back hurts, I've got sunburn and I need the bathroom. I'm sweating, my eyes are burning because of my contacts, my hair is messed up, my clothes smell...
    
    
    • Alex: I thought we were going to a palace, y'know, like with tables and everything?
    
    
    • Alex: Water's not a liquid is it?
    
    
    • Alex: She left me a note this time to put water in the iron. I think that's why I didn't work so well last time. I mean, who knew? Water in an iron!
    
    
    • Alex: My nose keeps bleeding, I'm thinking I might need surgery to seal it up.
      Me: ...to seal up your nostril?
      Alex: Yeah, to stop it bleeding.
    
    
    • Alex: Ooh get a photo of me
      Me: Who is he?
      Alex: I dunno, some Chinese guy - Alex at Madame Tussauds (Hong Kong)
    
    
    • [After sitting down for five minutes waiting for a photo to develop]
      Alex: Shall we go?
      Me: Yup, let's make a move
      Alex: OK... Ooh, can I look at this shop? I want a sweet. I need the bathroom. Where are we going?
    
    
    • Alex: I could live here [at the Buddhist Temple in Beixinqiao]. Now I know how Rambo feels.
    
    
    • Alex: This mushroom tastes like scorpion!
    
    
    • Alex: I need new shoes. My Ralph Lauren shoes got dirt on them, can you believe it? 400 quid shoes ruined.
    
    
    • Me: I don't like shorts unless they're being worn by a cute Chinese girl. - Me on whether you can expect to see me in shorts on my next trip to Cyprus.
    
    
    • Bungee Jump Staff Member: Why on earth did you guys choose the worlds largest bungee for your first jump?
    
    
    • Alex: I can pee 24/7