Do Koreans Dream of Electric Sleep?: The Ferret Does South Korea

"Gun... Line... Box... Batman T Batman. Ooh! The place where I eat!" - A Westerners guide on how to look for a gimbap in South Korea (gimbap is a sort of sandwich made using some form of filling wrapped in rice and seaweed).
I fear I might be one trip ahead of myself in terms of titles. Prague was named Gangnam Style, then I travel a stones throw from Gangnam. Now I'm making Blade Runner references, yet I'm told my next trip might make it an even more apt title. Let me, however, clear up a few things right now, as this was the most common only question I was asked by friends who knew of my visit. No, I did not go to Gangnam. It's a posh upper class area that I suspect is rather uninteresting, out of the way from central Seoul, and not worth my limited time in the capital. Nor did I meet PSY. The population of South Korea is only a little short of the population of the UK, and that's assuming he was even in the country. Dude's kinda international these days. Oh, and yes, he's just as big there as everywhere else.

1. I wish I could tell you of some massive adventure I had in getting here, but it was rather a slow flight. I had a brief conversation with a woman from Chicago in Seoul airport, failed miserably to sleep, watched a Hong Kong film I assumed was some sort of "Crouching Tiger..." type flick that ended up being a romantic drama containing demons (though the sparrow demon was quite amusing, complaining that a demon hunter had no log of her kind) and upon seeing a "Hello Kitty" café, was highly tempted to sit amongst the pink backdrop on a seat clearly designed for children with my jeans and long hair flowing - Koreans don't approve of long hair on men apparently - with a coffee just so I could glare at passers by, but I refrained and walked on to one of the many other coffee shops (though I would later return to a different café with my sister in Seoul). They do seem to like their coffee... The only real 'event' that happened was my flight to Busan being delayed by 40mins. It was at this point I realised I didn't have the credit to send my sis a text, nor did my phone permit making the call required to gain credit. Boy is she gonna be pissed... (to my surprise, she was only really pissed that we got back too late for one of her favourite restaurants).


2. And then I got accosted by a group of elderly women, pointing in various directions, speaking in Korean and smiling at me. Finally one realising my lack of comprehension, plucked up and said 'people.' No...no I still haven't the foggiest what you're saying. Though on reflection I wonder if she was asking if I wanted to rejoin my 'friends,' who looked like they might be the only other white guys in my age bracket on the flight. Then again, one later would keep grabbing my bag if it looked like I would stray from the neat orderly queue they'd formed to board. For all I know they could be saying I looked like one of their group because of my hair and were chuckling about it.


3. Language is really difficult here. Normally English will get you by anywhere, but not here; locals barely speak a word of it. There does, however, seem to be a tendency for the younger generations to try more; they'll listen to catch a few words or if you're pointing, try to figure out what you're pointing at, arts that as you get older seem to be lacking. That, or the older generations just can't be bothered. That wouldn't surprise me in the slightest to be honest. One seemed chuffed she knew the word 'big' in reference to the size of the shopping bag we'd need. That's literally the height of English conversation to be found here. I can't even attempt to pronounce Korean, given that everything's written in... Well in Korean. Apparently a number of places will just look at you and shoo you out rather than try and deal with you, though I've not experienced this. It's the kebab shop in Paris all over again...


4. I should perhaps note that perhaps earlier experiences were deceiving (this being a note written towards the end of my stay). Those that do speak English often seem willing to come over and talk if it looks like you need help. Unless you're on the underground, apparently those ones are just trying to get you to join some kind of cult. Also, the language is perhaps not as daunting as I first expected. As my sister briefly showed, there aren't silly numbers of characters as in Chinese or Japanese, most consist of two components: a consonant and a vowel. That might not always be useful, to sound out foreign words, but sometimes the Korean isn't far off from the English anyway... More than that, whilst it's true that some will look at you blankly when you try to talk to them, many seem pretty darn friendly. Even when asked about the western-unfriendly bars, it seems less an anti-foreigner thing and more a cultural issue. Most bars require that you sit down to buy a full blown meal, rather than just grab a drink. Since locals would be treated the same, as you can see, it becomes very much just a cultural difference.


5. In the battle between iPhone and Samsung, Samsung is king here. It's quite amusing. Massive fuck off phones. Little Koreans...


6. You take your shoes off often. I'm surprised the shopping centres didn't demand socks and slippers - most restaurants certainly did, particularly the more traditional sit down places (and when I say sit down, I mean sit down on the floor). Whilst those I spent time with have all long since mastered the art of slipping them on and off, I feel weird not tying my laces properly. As a result, I often found myself slowing down everyone else.


7. And there's the Nampodong fish market (or if it's not, I'm sure my sister will correct me - edit by the sister - Jagalchi fish market). Home to a wide variety of fish that force you to remind yourself, people actually choose to eat this? A fish whose only English translation is 'penisfish?' Cunningly placed next to what looks like diseased vagina's? You eat tha- oh you eat it raw. Errr... Why? Just... Why? I'll just be having the octopus then.


8. Errr... My octopus is moving. Why is it moving. It shouldn't be moving. Not the wisest of moves: the day when I'm still reminding myself of forgotten chopstick techniques and you give me food that fights back by actively resisting being eaten; by sucking onto the plate with far better grip that I can wield with my chopsticks; by choosing to suction onto my cheek and teeth if it might save you from being swallowed a bit longer. It won't work. But yes, thanks for that. For hours I felt as though a residual bit had started to make a home latched onto the back of my tongue...


9. I suppose there should be obligatory toilets-of-the-world mention. Men's toilets in restaurants might consist of little more than a urinal and a mirror behind some beads. Sit down toilets use way too much water. It just sits there, waiting to splash you at any given opportunity. You have to actively think of the best way to poop without getting toilet water smeared all over your ass. Traditional Korean style toilets, as I eventually discovered, tend towards the squat kind. Pooping in an underground station suddenly felt like a daunting task; the constant fear your ass isn't out far enough and you'll just poop in your underwear, or that you'll miss the bowl and leave some crap on the floor swirling, plaguing your mind. Alas I was successful, and had to stop myself celebrating as I stood out enough already without adding cheering that I could accomplish the same feat as a 3 year old local to that.


10. Korea is a very homogenous country. This probably surprises nobody, but as a result causes a lot of accidental casual racism. Apparently even the books teaching English are like this; 'this is a Mexican - clearly, can't you see the sombrero and moustace? - he's looking for work' kinda thing, or calling black men 'monkeys' because the skin colour confuses them. 'but they don't mean to be offensive' the adults say. Yes, but they are, and should probably be taught not to call black men monkeys. And I'm not entirely sure it's limited to the children either; certainly the Korean equivalent of North Face, 'Black Face,' and a magazine spotted called 'Know Your Cracker' all about fashion from around the world would suggest otherwise. It's still accidental, yes, but I would strongly advise against trying to expand 'Black Face' brand goods into Harlem...


11. Hodduk, on the other hand, might sell pretty darn well. Fried and flattened dough balls with nuts and cinnamon sold on street corners. Reminded me a little of the Spanish' churros, but it's tasty nonetheless. Then again, what fried isn't tasty? Scots need not answer that. I'm well aware if you need something deep fried, you've already done it so could probably come up with something that sounded better in your head.


12. Koreans shop a lot. There are even shops on the underground. Everyone in this region seems to shop as a national hobby, so that's no real surprise, but almost every shop seems to fit into Alex's - a friend of my sister's - rule of the five categories: Restaurants, Phone shops, Hiking shops, Beauty stores and Coffee Shops. Apparently they also have a "Dunkin' Donuts" on every street. There are the odd exception to the rule, especially outside of Busan, but you'd be amazed at just how much that covers.


13. If you look at the geography of Korea - and I didn't, so I'm not doing the whole 'you didn't know that?' exclamation of something I've just discovered - it's pretty much all mountains. The small population crams itself into small pockets of what little flat land is available creating massive population densities in these areas because nobody likes building shit halfway up a mountain. Except for the Buddhist monks. Who love it precisely because nobody in their right mind would build stuff halfway up a mountain. Yet there they are, dotted across the landscape.


14. It's thus perhaps not all that surprising then that hiking is such a popular past-time - that, and the apparent belief that 'North Face' and other brands of hiking equipment are really trendy to wear normally - but the hikers here are not what you'd expect. The generation of men and women in their 40's and above, which lets face it, tend to be the biggest walkers from what experience has taught me, will look at you odd if you aren't in full hiking gear and take their hikes very seriously. Apparently there are gyms which are built halfway up mountains - I apologise, Buddhists and health freaks who are nuts enough to build stuff on the side of a mountain - so people can hike up there, run a treadmill for a bit, then hike back down again whilst blasting loud techno music and chugging Soju on the way.


15. I should also explain that Soju is the local drink of choice. It's like a Japanese sake, or if that still baffles you, think a 15-20% vodka. And they drink it like the Russians drink vodka. Worse than, in fact. It's the most consumed spirit in the world, and drunk entirely by this one small nation. It's nuts. No wonder half the population seem drunk all the time... (It's because they are. Beligerant grumpy old drunk men spending far too long peering into bins and carrying hunks of cardboard on the underground is a real thing). I'm not even sure if half are homeless or just retired drunks...


16. Koreans don't seem to believe in such creature comforts as adequate insulation around windows and doors, which explains all the towels permanently fixed around each opening. 'But what of all the wasted heating' you cry. Gotcha covered. Heating (or more specifically, natural gas. Small electric heaters are far more common as they cost comparatively nothing to run) is expensive enough that they don't really ever turn it on, hence, very little heat TO let out. Clever eh? Yeah... I slept each night in socks and a hoodie


17. The Koreans definitely tend to like their food sweet or spicy. I'm not sure how "happyplus morning toast" differs from other kinds of toast, but it is definitely sweeter...


18. Over here, men and women can't seem to be friends. It just doesn't happen; you're either with your own gender or quite clearly a lovesick couple that should be wearing matching shirts, matching coats, carrying matching keyrings and locking matching padlocks onto the grates. This led to some rather awkward realisations and confused shop owners when shopping with my sister...


19. Fashion here is weird. I mean, not the whole Japanese thing of 'lets dress up like Victorian children that have been dipped in a giant vat of pink candy floss'  kinda weird, but nobody outweirds the Japanese. Hell, perhaps weird isn't even the best word for it; alien, foreign, backwards even, at least from my perspective. For one thing, the glasses. Now I don't mind glasses on women, it can make them look smart, sophisticated, hell even sexy. It's all down to what suits the woman, same as a lot of fashion. Here, however, you see glasses without lenses, purely for aesthetic reasons. And I don't mean the small kind, I mean the fuck off big hipsterish kind - the kind most would be embarassed to be seen in public with. Tans here make you look dirty, but pale complexions make you seem wealthy and attractive. Plastic surgery is another thing, and it's huge here, but what they change seems to me rather odd. Very common is eyelid surgery, because they should be wide eyed and alert looking, as that's cute. Another are nose jobs as many Koreans have flat noses. These are both Korean traits that they modify to look more Western, though there is debate as to whether it IS really to look more Western, or more of a coincidence. Either way, I think there's an irony that they change precisely what Westerners find cute about them. There really is truth to the old adage 'opposites attract;' it seems those from Europe find the differences more attractive than the similarities.


20. Having talked of the strangeness and accidental racism, I feel I probably haven't painted the place in the most positive light and that's not what I'd intended. Yes, there are unusual aspects, but they come in both the good and the bad, and I can see why many who come teach here for a year end up staying here far longer than they originally intended. One of the biggest positives I could mention is the general culture of politeness and respect, which rarely seems to be the case back home. Respect the property of others, don't steal or cheat; basic things that seem more ingrained here than elsewhere. It seems simple but seems to result in so much less dickish behaviour. There were small bars and shops that likely just couldn't exist back home just because some drunks or youths who can't handle the drink would destroy it; touch screens out in public places that you just know would be vandalised and destroyed in a week. Thank you drunk youth culture, because of you none of us can have nice things. Assholes (though there is apparently a rival theory that Korean youth don't have time for things like vandalism...)


21. Seoul reminded me of something out of Blade Runner. Alright, so the buildings aren't as high and the population density less ridiculous - though with some 10 million here, not THAT ridiculous - but couple all the TV screens and flashing lights; the people with megaphones advertising their shops and blaring music; the many stands selling street food with the smoke rising high into the air; the way that shops seem packed in like sardines (only got ten square feet of space? Coffee shop!); it all adds up to a sense of immense business in a small space. I was staying in a hostel on the third floor of maybe a 20 floor building run from what has to be the most chaotic looking office I have ever seen; the small eccentric Korean lady running about in cute fuzzy slippers grabbing printed maps hanging up like developing photographs - a building connected somehow to the station itself I might add, requiring no walking in the street - all sitting above a Dunkin' Donuts. Blade Runner. Though no replicants. I hope.


22. I'm sure I've accumulated enough horny old men and asian fetishists that might ask about the women here so I better give that a mention. The thing is - and this is probably why it's come so late - is that there's not a huge amount to say. Some of the women are so cute you want to cuddle them like kittens. Others are stunning. Many more are merely alright. Nothing special. It's not some land filled with Asian models (but then did you expect it to be?) but a country, like any other, with both the beautiful and the less beautiful. Wide mouths may yield a heartwarming smile or yellowing jagged teeth. Who knows? The only real points to mention is the lack of obesity here, though that's hardly surprising and becomes even less so when you consider their lifestyles (school children often are in school 'til 5, then have after school classes, THEN go home to study - they don't have TIME to eat - and even as adults hard work seems more closely related to how long you've been there rather than how much you've got done) and the skinniness of many legs, though I want to emphasise this is a tendency and not a rule, there are plenty of exceptions. Showing chest is considered somewhat obscene, but I'm told that in the summer months, skirts smaller than my boxer shorts are prevalent, showing off slender legs that would make many a westerner envious. I remember a toy dog at the puppy cafe whose legs were so thin they shook when he stood, and I have no idea how he managed to walk. I get much the same impression here; slender frames supported by shivering toothpick legs that really isn't helped by those high heels. But there we go. Perving westerner observations over.


23. That said, and not that this is a particular plan, but if I ever find myself thinking of adopting a baby, I totally want a Korean one. Choosing between the snotty nosed potato's found at home? And the wide eyed adorable bundles of cuteness dressed in fuzzy outfits with little ears? No brainer. Because so many clothes here seem to come with ears. To the point I bought a hoodie and didn't even notice it had ears. I assume because I had by this point become so saturated by clothes with ears that it didn't even register. So yes, now I own a hoodie with ears.


24. When reading the South Korea guide I stumbled upon this little bit of South Korean culture that made me chuckle, for indeed Burberry does exist there, but it has rather a different image than the chavs who seem to love the brand back here. A Burberry man is one who (shockingly) is frequently found wearing large quantities of Burberry clothes and loitering around University campuses. Why is he loitering? So he can flash the young women of course! Some food for thought the next time you wonder if that hoodie looks good on you...


25. I don't really have a point to make, but leaving it at 24 points is just an awkward number. I had a note on the gaming culture but it simply read "Koreans seem to game a lot on their phones." I could extend that to an advert I saw for a new Korean MMO, or my amusement at seeing "Nexon" gift cards for sale, but I doubt people would know who Nexon were (it's a Korean MMO company which specialises in free-to-play titles that permit purchase of in-game items). Instead i'll speak slightly of the aftermath, for shortly after returning I ended up falling over drunk in a nightclub and fracturing the part of my right arm where it connects to the shoulder. It's a fucking pain to type this up with a broken arm. Huh, I guess I didn't really have much to say on that topic either...