An Englishman and a Frenchman walk into a bar...: The Ferret Does Paris

Unknown to Basel at the time of my visit I decided to write these observations. My intentions in travelling to a city I have failed to see for so long – last time I was there was before the Euro was introduced! - was not simply to do the tourist attractions, gorge myself on crepes and marvel at the Champs-Elysses. Alright, so I did eat a lot of crepes...and we did visit the Champs Elysses but that's not the point; I wanted to try and understand the mindset of the locals, see the sights most don't think to visit and this is a testament to what I learnt.

1. There is a hefty Algerian presence in Paris, a fact which becomes far more noticeable as you head away from the city's centre. Algeria was a French colony and in the aftermath of the war many came to help rebuild, but when Algeria broke out into civil war they were soon granted independence from France and as such those in France already were granted citizenship, and many decided to stay.


2. That is the last “factual” observation that is to grace this list.


3. Many French-Algerian's still claim to speak fluent Arabic. Apparently they really can't.


4. There are many ways to tell if you're in a predominantly French-Algerian neighboorhood; police cars hold 4 officers, steel bars are present on every building, people smoke until the early hours of the morning and its the only part of Paris that KFC gets good business.


5. Contrary to popular belief Paris does have fast food. They simply refer to them as “restaurants,” as I quickly discovered at a Belgian “Restaurant” (read: Burger King look-a-like).


6. My addictive nature has a new name: Desperado. I'm not looking forward to my detox.


7. There are more animé stores in one district of Paris than I know of in the entirety of London. All the manga is translated too, which is fairly impressive, if slightly bizarre.


8. Music has a different face here; its stooped in tradition but its very openly celebrated with concerts and street musicians. As I awoke after my first night there I saw two street performers with trumpets in the streets below and I couldn't help but think “try that in London and you'll either be stabbed or arrested for noise pollution.”


9. I remember little French from school. Usually I could cobble enough together to get by but Parisians are stubborn; don't look at me like I just asked you to design a space shuttle when I say “large” instead of “big,” is it really that hard to figure out what size beer I wanted? >.<


10. My language skills never faltered so massively as it did in a small kebab shop late at night, where I was quickly reduced to grunting, pointing, and looking helpless. I thought I heard a few death threats thrown my way. Turns out they were just Egyptian; they all sound like that.


11. Many shops have the word “traiteur” proudly on display. Whilst a more literal translation is “delicatesson with pre-prepared goods” I failed to find a single shop with it selling French foods; whether Thai, Chinese, Japanese, Polish, Indian or any other number of foreign delicacies it was never one with more local wares. Coincidence?


12. Fashion is very important in France. I could point out the stores selling expensive suits, the knock off market goods that have expanded from tacky souvenirs and DVDs to perfumes, glasses and “Guci” handbags, but this tendency trickles down even to the punks. Of the few I saw their style was meticulous; torn off denim jackets looked carefully cut and any frayed edges trimmed, hair was neatly plaited at the back and/or freshly shaven to precision. I saw two punks applying moisturiser which just goes to show that in Paris, even when rebelling against society, they prefer to do it with soft and supple skin.


13. When your attention is drawn away from the architecture of the buildings around you and to the people in the busy streets, you notice there is rarely an overweight person walking past. When I think of the face-painted orca's of my hometown I suddenly realise why I'm still single; I have more of a “European” approach to the figure's I like on women, as opposed to the chore of harpooning myself a whale.


14. Related to the above is the issue of make-up abuse. At first I thought everyone was going 'au naturale,' but by the end of my journey I noticed it was still there, simply far more subtly applied, used to accent their features rather than hide the parts they don't like with assistance from the dulux range. It's a shame attitudes weren't more similar over here as clown's don't arouse me.


15. Public toilets are evil. You'd think they'd operate like every other toilet; someone exits, you enter, close the door, do the deed and flush (ok, some places don't have a flush). Naturally I walked in and pressed the button so the door could begin its horrifically slow closing process, but every time you go to move the door whips open again and you get yelled at in incomprehensible French (I'm fairly sure even if I was fluent the voice was muffled to the point I still wouldn't understand). No, in Paris when you've done your deed the toilet needs to do its in cleaning, as I discovered after a minute of swearing. The only conceivable benefit to my mind is that this allows the toilet to double as a shower for the homeless. Or a suicide booth. It sounded like it cleaned itself pretty aggressively.


16. Cinema's are everywhere. Not just the large ones like I'm used to, but small single screens barely larger than my living room, with a 60” projector screen and a few dozen seats showing whatever the owner fancies watching. I can imagine myself going there frequently if we had something similar here; just wander in and take in the show.


17. In Paris chocolate addictions spread like wildfire; chocolate for breakfast, grab a chocolate flavoured coffee with a slice of cake for lunch, etc, etc. It's like crack. Except more expensive.


18. When it rains in Paris it rains hard and come out of nowhere. The best bet is to duck for cover and find some chocolate until it finishes, which will rarely take more than a few minutes.


19. Russia isn't the only place with a “Stalingrad,” except in Paris its a row of café's and restaurants along the Seine. I was also asked for weed three times in my visits there (I went back before my return journey) which pretty much secures its place in my mind as stoner central.


20. The Parc de Buttes-Chaumont houses a temple at its peak, which is a lot like Ankh-Morpork. Walk in any direction and you'll somehow find yourself there every freakin' time.

Originally posted: Wednesday, 09 June 2010 at 15:39
NOTE: Reading this back, I was pretty harsh on my own country. I should point out that whilst they're regular sights, they are still a minority. My habit of going on exaggerated rants has been roped in quite a lot since I wrote this and I've become a lot more placid about it. Plus, I'm no longer single and she certainly doesn't fit this description.