Three Kinds of Moisturiser but all Kinds of Mischief: The Ferret does New York

So much in the same vein as to what I did with my trip to Paris with Basel comes this documentation of my travels. I am as yet undecided how to tackle it as there are certainly some notes that won't appear on this public space for both personal reasons and request from my partner in crime, the Mad Greek known as Alex. I'm not evil enough to divulge his secrets. Well...not all his secrets at any rate. What began as a “20 facts about NYC” quickly went out the window as most of them are not that factual and have little to do with NY. But I'm rambling.

1. On the flight over we had the idea of getting ourselves a small bottle of whisky or something to tide us over for the flight. We both missed the part about “no outside alcohol,” which could have made the litre of vodka we stashed a little awkward. We ended up finishing the bottle 3 hours before we landed. And when I say we, I suspect it was mostly me as Alex had the vodka and my cup mysteriously re-filled itself despite us being out of coke. This would not be the last time Alex would spike my drink.


2. Even the vodka couldn't quench this observation: just when did all the flight attendants grow old, ugly and/or a penis? What happened to the days of the blonde bombshells walking up and down the aisles and giving you something to look at? Do you have to go first class to not be served by an obviously gay man or chain smoking woman of her mid-50s?


3. I used to think Americans couldn't drink but now I'm not so sure. I mean, most of the drinkers I met were in their early 30s admittedly, and anyone younger couldn't handle their drink – present company included – but the old habit of ordering a “double JD and coke” hits you hard when you realise shot measures are double the size. Watching as the bar lady pours a good portion of the bottle into the glass for the first time is a rather sobering 'oh shit' moment. Most of your beer still sucks ass though.


4. Related to #3, I thought it my duty to at least give a fair try to the brews of the city. I know that 90% of the stuff on tap is shite but Sam Adams has always been fairly highly thought of amongst the connoisseurs I know of. It isn't bad but still tastes of lager; think a darker version of Red Stripe for resident Brits. Sam Adams Cherry was infinitely better. Then there was Magic Hat #9, a beer I accidentally stumbled upon that forced me to re-assess whether that quick pint was really going to be a 'quick pint' and before I had really come to a conclusion I realised I was talking to a Korean guy about the publicity photo's he took of Julia Stiles that day whilst supping on #6.


5. People in NYC seem really open and friendly. I'm sure a lot of that depends on the area you're staying in but over on the upper west side I ended up in a lot of random conversations, mostly stemming from the nearby “Dive Bar.” I never walked into that place without talking to someone new before my pint was over. By far I think this ended up being my favourite discovery. Also, aforementioned Magic Hat #9 on tap. Huzzah!


6. Early on we began asking locals we met about what places we should visit, and I never managed to get a single conclusive answer. Lots of 'theres so much to see' but nobody could agree on what; the girls from Brooklyn asked why on earth I'd want to go to Queens. The guy from Queens told me Brooklyn was a shithole. One guy said to avoid the Bronx like a plague whilst another told me it was fine there now, all the assholes seem to have migrated to New Jersey. The only thing that I got a consensus on was that “Times Square exemplifies everything that's wrong with America,” to quote Brendan whom I met on my travels.


7. Toilets in New York are pretty punk. Before you even begin to do your business they're loaded and you've never seen a more aggressive flush. It's like they were designed by gnomes as a sneaky epic water ride. The major downside to this is that – and maybe it's just me but – you always pee a little when you poop. The knowledge of getting piss water all over my ass is never a pleasant feeling. It also doesn't help that the portion sizes affect the size of my poop. Seriously, they must have doubled in size. It wasn't uncommon for me to exit the bathroom with sweat on my forehead.



8. Homeless people are everywhere in Manhattan, I mean I know there are bound to be a few but I mean they're EVERYWHERE (in London they all gravitate towards central), but for some reason all the crazies seem to gravitate towards Madison Square Gardens. And god help you if you give one of them change. They really do multiply. South Park weren't kidding...


9. Apparently it's weird to pay for your drinks as you drink them at many bars. I like the fact you just pay up at the end, even if most of the time the staff just make a random guess at a round figure that sounds about right. I swear I was undercharged every time though, so I ended up leaving a healthy tip, which is perhaps part of the reason I got to know everyone at the Dive Bar by name. It's a warming feeling to be greeted with a wave and a pint as soon as you step in the door.


10. I know I have a case of yellow fever but apparently it's contagious. By the end of the trip Alex was worse than I was. It also turns out I have a thing for glasses which is news to me, and god help me when I spotted a Korean girl wearing glasses. She even had a cute friend for my metrosexual partner in crime, but it turns out it's really hard to chat up someone when you're drunk and they barely speak a word of English. I mean what do you say? “Kissy kissy good time now?” (Note: I might have actually said that)


11. Me and Alex think differently on even the most fundamental level. I don't mean the intellectual differences either – I equate us now to “Pinky and the Brain” - and the best way I can explain this is when we started to unpack our shit. I had a large amount of rehydration sachets (read: hangover cures) whilst Alex brought three kinds of moisturiser. Beauty products littered two window sills and the sink in our room to the point I had to go to the bathroom to brush my teeth because there was no way he'd give me the time to use the mirror and muss up his two hour long hair brushing routine.


12. I purposely made a trip to an anime store I knew about called Kinokuniya. I ended up having to drag Alex out of the store when he became fascinated by the Hentai and started bugging me to buy some so he could borrow it. He was also impressed at the number of cute people in the store (I think he was expecting a load of nerds) and later started saying how he needed to get more cute Japanese friends (don't we all) as he was looking about in awe at the cuteness on display. Sadly, he was telling me this in a Korean restaurant. I can't remember anything else he said as my attention was urgently demanded by my perfect view of one girl teaching another the 'nyaa' pose.


13. Alex has indeed got slightly better at drinking (though his ability to spike my drink in an effort to keep up has improved even more greatly). One night we were hitting the booze fairly hard – nothing that wouldn't stop me waking up in the morning but enough that I'd have a headache – but by the end of the night he was six pints behind me and passed out trying to keep up. I ended up dragging him upstairs and telling him to go to bed despite cries of “I don't wanna.” Naturally I then went down myself and kept going. The thing is, I don't think he'd fully recovered by morning. He was still doing that weird head roll thing he does when drunk and at one point haggled over the price of porn. I mean, who the fuck even still buys porn?


14. At the American Museum of Natural History Alex began bitching about girls. After a few hours I realised every time he exclaimed “look at that” he wasn't pointing to an exhibit. I honestly think he has a sex addiction and needs professional help. Anyway, I ended up getting annoyed with him and ditching him to go around the museum myself. I figured he wasn't that much of a retard and we'd just meet at the entrance later. Then I heard the intercom. “Can Thomas Bawden please come to the reception desk on Level Two to come pick up your child.” I'm never having kids.


15. I suppose the flip side to #14 was the events that occurred afterwards. As it turns out he had finally done well; he had spotted a couple of English girls who turned out to be great company (not to mention providers of intelligent conversation which doesn't come very often with Alex) and on Valentines day of all days. Cue a nice romantic meal – ok, it wasn't that romantic, but was fun all the same – and drinks afterwards. It was a night that was cut off too soon. Fucking 6'2 black guys knocking down the door... *grumbles*



16. The first time we went to Brooklyn we did the cliché tourist thing of walking across the bridge. Took us a while to find the entrance but we did and by the time we arrived Alex was starting to complain about his feet rubbing against the back of his heel. I suggested we do it another time but he was quite adamant that we were here now, so we should just go for it. We hit the first concrete pillar and he started saying I should “go on without him” and that “he couldn't make it,” so I told him we were half way across. Of course we weren't, there are two concrete pillars so we were closer to ¼ of the way across. Stumbling forward we eventually made it with Alex dragging his heels, and we entered the first pizza place we saw. The noise he made when he sat down, I could have sworn he had an orgasm.


17. Turns out that tater tots are really just croquet potatoes and root beer is not ginger beer at all and comes in two varieties: pretty good and “what the hell is this shit?”


18. The food in NYC was a little strange. The first night we ended up in a fancy looking Japanese restaurant and when it arrived it was overpriced, overcooked, dry and quite frankly, pretty awful. Expecting a sure thing, I made sure we went to Little Italy for a pizza. Again, the food was a bit shit and the bill came to far more than I expected. It was at this point I realised the best meals we'd had came from the metro diner for $15 a head, or “Big Daddy's” down the road (which cost little more). On a whim we tried a dingy pizza place; some overweight guy in a white vest scratching his hairy ass whilst cooking and handing out food on paper plates. Best food I'd had thus far. From then on it was cheap sushi, dodgy Korean self-service bars, pizzeria's and cheesesteaks all the way.


19. Alex's ability to navigate ended up being about as useful as a fart in the wind. I refused to let him do any journey more complex than one subway ride and a short walk for fear he'd end up lost somewhere. He had little idea of distance either, trying to get me to go to overpriced bars on the opposite side of town in the vague hope of meeting someone pretty, despite frequently complaining of being tired.


20. YOU'RE fucking tired? You? The guy who passed out three times in nine days from alcohol? The man who snores all night, manages to repeatedly bang his head against the headboard, sleep swear, and perform the running man against the sheets is tired? Who gets up early in the morning to get out and see the sights but then takes 2-3 hours to get ready, waking me up in the process whether intentionally or “accidentally” draping the wire for the hair straighteners across my face? Many nights were spent drinking at the Dive Bar just to get me drunk enough that I can ignore him more easily.


21. Everyone knows how American's have butchered the English language but it doesn't stop there. Apparently the folks down at Little Italy speak such broken Italian that it's painful. American: taking languages and putting them through meat grinders.


22. We stumbled upon a second Chinatown in Flushing, which is not only huge but I had no idea existed. It's far better than the one in Manhattan too; the women look cuter, the food cheap and tasty, the Chinese DVD sellers stock Chinese films as well as porn (nothing like selling porno to kids in broad daylight!) which aren't just shitty CAM copies of things, and to top it all off there's a great little anime shop which was cheap and employed staff to geek off with. If there was anywhere else in the world I think I'd feel at home, Flushing would probably come high up on the list.


23. Of the three hostels we visited, we were thrown out of one grotty place for being there, visited another that had a communal area consisting of 2 chairs and a sofa, and then we stayed at the third. Microwave, Fridge, breakfast bar, plenty of computers for the internet (cheap too, at 7 minutes/$1), plenty of TV's – and the staff will change the channel if you ask when its quiet – and no curfew. They don't care if you bring people back (unless you're noisy or causing a problem) and almost always have two helpful staff on reception. The male to talk to for advice, directions or recommendations, and the female to look at. I could swear that not a single ugly woman works there. (We were at the Broadway Hotel and Hostel on 101st Broadway, if anyone's interested. The place comes recommended; it's nothing fancy: no en suite or TV in the room, in fact it's just a bed really, but for the price was brilliant).


24. If I had one regret about the visit, it'd be that I never managed to meet up with either Geoff Gero or Adam Laurentz. Particularly with Adam I can imagine some stoned argument about post-rock; him calling it amazing, me calling it shit, and Alex refusing to acknowledge it exists. He did that a lot, calling Blues a sub genre of Rock, Ambient a fancy word for pop and Nintendocore the latest breakthrough genre of music. Facepalms were had.


25. I deleted this one out of of respect for Alex. I decided to re-write it as the following: what happens at Webster Hall stays at Webster Hall.

Originally Posted Monday, 21 March 2011 at 12:13