Water Water Everywhere, and Mostly Just Beer to Drink: The Ferret does Estonia/Finland

So I was halfway through writing this when I lost all my work. This means more of it is coming from memory than ever before, though I'm sure most of it is written down still as notes meaning most of it will still be around. It was only about a month ago that myself and my partner in crime took to the skies once again in our exploration of Eastern Europe. The quaint medieval town of Tallinn, Estonia, and the glorious capital of our tree loving neighbours in Helsinki, Finland. There are photo's to complement the trip, but for the most part I've strived to avoid repeating myself here.

1. The flight outwards and already minor chaos ensued; Alex is becoming a master of packing things badly. The baggage allowance was 20kg, and so how much does Alex weigh in at? 19.9kg, to my measly 11.7kgs. I still don't know why he needed 30+ shirts for a 7 day trip, but there you have it. He was also intending to be the photographer for the journey, but impressively for a man with so much luggage at no point did he think he'd need to pack his camera. A mad dash to Dixons and now I'm the proud of a Samsung something or other. It looked alright, was cheap, and came with a front LCD screen which kinda sold it.


2. I apologise for the sheer quantity of photo's containing Alex. He spent a good portion of the trip screaming “look at me! Look at me! Take a photo!” posing for a shot even if it was somewhere mundane like a blank wall or in front of some bicycles. It became simpler to just take a picture than argue with him. He would also occasionally run in front of the camera, which might explain some of the more unusual shots. Other times he'd just take my camera and start taking photo's himself, vain bastard. Then there's the 'betty boop' shots; striking a pose because “Laura does it” and...well monkey see monkey do (Laura, I hope you manage to pull it off better than Alex, cos he just looks like a retard).


3. It wasn't too long before I uncovered that Alex had a serious bladder problem, though he refuses to admit it. Dude, look here and get yourself checked out. He had the bladder of a peanut, needing to go to the bathroom more than once every hour, and these aren't exactly quick in and out trips either. He would spend as long as ten minutes each time, though admittedly bathrooms usually contain mirrors which means most of his time is probably spent admiring his reflection and playing with his hair. Same problem as in gift shops with a reflective surface, elevators with mirrored walls, etc, etc.


4. We could not have asked for better hotel locations in both countries; in Tallinn we got a breakfast – even if it wasn't all that – and were located a short walk from freedom square and the heart of the Tallinn nightlife. As for Helsinki, well downstairs there was a bar. Past the bar, was a row of bars. And around the corner was our favourite bar, where the music kept pumping out til 4am and the beer never cost too much. Hungry? They serve cheap burgers – try the 'bacon bastard' – so you don't have to leave your drink unattended. Live shows? How does the likes of Shonen Knife and Amorphis (admittedly, the club next door) sound? Finnish rockers come out of the woodwork to drink up and it's so close even Alex managed to stagger his way back to the hotel!


5. Never let Alex try to operate the safe. If it doesn't work first time he'll press random buttons until it won't work the second time either. Or the third. It'll jusrt assume you're trying to break into it...


6. I first noticed in in Tallinn, but the same is true of Helsinki; obviously when visiting a non-English speaking country there are concerns about how well you'll be able to converse with the locals, and since I speak no Estonian and next to no Finnish, naturally this dawned on me. Impressively, the locals here speak far more fluently than most of the people working in fast food joints over here...


7. And on a related note, the language of Estonian struck me as rather odd. I was expecting – knowing it was part of Soviet Russia – that there would be similarities between the two, but that's not the case. It bears no resemblance to Finnish either; instead it's far more Germanic in its appearance, and I had no idea until a local teen was convinced to give us a tour of the local 13th century monastery. It turns out this small nation has been under more rulers than you'd expect; first the Southern Germans brought across their language, civilisation and belief in God's wielding large axes (long live Suurtoll! The warrior and protector of Tallinn! wreaking havoc in a bloody fashion!) during their medieval rule, before Sweden decided it wanted a piece of the action and took over in the 16th Century, along with Finland. It was only recently that the Russians conquered these lands, and even more recently that both nations told their mother land where they could shove that hammer and sickle. If this language didn't make navigating the road signs awkward enough, for some reason they decided to make the signs as difficult as possible. If you're lucky, there will actually be a sign, but what this means is “you might be on Harju, it might be that road on your left. Do you feel lucky punk?”


8. Music might not be censored here, but a great deal of it is dubbed. Ain't nothin' quite like hearing 'Living on a Prayer' sung in Estonian, particularly seeing as how sometimes with the accent you can't help but think of 'Borat' and allow a smirk to come across your face, particularly as one woman remarked “You are very nice” and I had to struggle not to laugh in her face.


9. The amount of strip joints in this small town is quite ridiculous; our first foray into the Estonian wilderness came up with nothing but rows of the bloody things. Having only arrived in the country at 11pm, all we wanted was a place to have a quiet pint. Eventually we relented and found a strip joint with a separate bar upstairs, and you could pay a little extra for the show downstairs. We didn't, especially after witnessing what I assume was the entertainment. It looked a little skanky... This rise in strip joints is a result of the number of British and Finnish tourists arriving for stag nights or generally with sex on the brain, and as such we were often treated with animosity, assuming us part of a drunken troupe; even less popular we were than the Russians, whom apparently retain good relations with Estonia despite the lingering presence of elderly Russians grumpily awaiting the resurgence of the Soviet Union. We would later find better holes to drink at; a jazz bar opposite the Olde Hansa restaurant playing live music; a small out of the way hole where we tried out the Shisha pipe; and what ended up being our favourite, a place called Woodstock filled with cheap beer, classic rock paraphernalia, like minded head-bangers, a cheap American pool table and a Live DVD of a classic Metallica performance being played on the projector.


10. So strolling down towards the town for lunch, we passed Freedom Square. Or should I say, were stopped at Freedom Square – talk about irony – because of some large gathering. After a few 'What the hells' we finally saw what all the commotion was about; the Dalai Lama was in town. What a crazy random happenstance... and if that wasn't enough, we would later be strolling down a road in Helsinki when Alex pointed at a robed figure exclaiming 'I recognise him.' Well bugger me if he hadn't gone and followed us...


11. By just staying within the confines of the Old Town – the main tourist attraction in Tallinn – you could easily forget that Estonia isn't the most wealthy nation in Europe, but it only takes a short stroll to suddenly realise the truth of it all. It's all rather cleverly deceiving really, and has been disguised incredibly well, but take a stroll towards the train station and soon you'll find a slightly run down looking Russian market happy to sell you 'authentic antique' Russian war medals; where old propaganda items are littered in small shops and I picked myself a gravity knife made by a middle-aged Russian man who spoke no English whatsoever. Things like the graffiti on the walls and the lack of street lights hammer home the fact that 2e/hour isn't an uncommon wage here, and after seeing it, I suddenly realised how depressing it was that for a city so full of life and energy could be struck by such conditions just a stones throw from all the wealthy tourists.


12. One of the highlights of Tallinn was from an unlikely location: The Hotel Viru. This was the hotel built during Estonia's period under Soviet control, but even it's construction was fascinating. The Estonian's had never built something so tall and so grandiose, and they wanted this to be symbolic of how far the nation had come under their new rule. But they knew the Finns nearby had built buildings of this magnitude... but no, proud mother Russia could never ask for the help of a democratic nation. So they spread the word that Finland's economy was declining and their workers were out of jobs, and so proud but kind mother Russia will let the Finns come over, and they will find work for them ;) The tour of the building included the head offices, the devices used by the KGB, and their secret listening room, literally with “there is nothing here” written on the door, and a number of stories about the daily life of it's residents:
    
    
    • There was once a circus troupe there who knew the old lady reading the paper outside was really employed by the country to keep tabs on where all foreigners were going, scribbling down on a pad everybody's movement, so they thought they'd give her a work out by constantly darting between rooms.
    
    
    • There was a diplomat who stayed there for a little over a week and every day she received breakfast at 7am sharp, on a tray, delivered by a worker there. One day the maid arrived with her breakfast at around 6:30am, and when she queried it the maid could only respond with “but you've been up for hours!”
    
    
    • Another diplomat arrived and loudly began to complain about the poor quality of maintenance that occurred in the rooms, in particular that there was no toilet paper anywhere to be found. Within moments there was a knock at the door. “Toilet paper check!”
    
    
    • The place was bugged and this fact was known by everyone; the plates had bugs in them (though occasionally a worker would accidentally put a bugged plate in the dishwasher and end up on stock room duty!), but they bugged everything, and we aren't talking about the age of microchips here, these are large crudely crafted devices. One paranoid resident was so positive he'd found the bug in his room that he managed to dig it out. Actually, it was one of the few places there wasn't a bug. What he'd found was the screws keeping the lights attached to the ceiling on the floor below...
    
    


13. Because of my lack of sleep; late nights that were not helped by Alex's usual array of snoring, sleep-swearing and rubbing against the sheets (although not as bad this time as in NYC, or perhaps I was just drunk more often), complemented by him playing his music loud enough for me to make out the lyrics to whatever acoustic pop musician took his fancy that evening I began to cut out all non-essential activities in exchange for another hour in bed. I was often surviving on about three hours a night, and he had greatly improved the time it takes to prepare for the day meaning we were actually able to leave the hotel before lunch time, so I chose sleep and exploration over hygiene. Much to Alex's horror, this included showering only once every other day.
    
    
14. When In Estonia, eat like an Estonian; Boar, Deer and Elk washed down with plenty of beer. But when in Finland? Eat like a Finn; A fish breakfast of Calamari and salmon, Traditional Lappish beer to complement the hunk of reindeer steak, meatballs and salami waiting for you, and wash it down with beer. Again. That's four new meats to my list of 'animals I've eaten.' (I would later buy some moose from a Swedish shop on our layover on the way back).
    
    [At the seaside market in Helsinki]
    Me: I reckon the food at this stall will be pretty good
    Alex: How can you know that?
    Me: You see that boat over in the distance? To me that looks like a fishing boat, like the one selling fish off the back of their boat right at the harbour. And if I'm not mistaken, the owners of that stall have just agreed to buy a load and are now cooking it.
    
    Best. Breakfast. Ever.


15. In the UK everybody's seen the signs on public services telling you to 'never leave luggage unattended' and to 'report any suspicious items to the authorities,' so they can prod it and perform a controlled detonation of the package. Because of course it must be a bomb. On the journey to Helsinki, with this ingrained in my mind, I caused a few people to chuckle: “This is Finland! People won't steal your bags here! Just remember where you left it.” Indeed I remember one bar in Helsinki where this drunk guy was being a dick and everyone was trying to avoid him for fear of a conversation starting, but when he dropped his wallet STILL someone walked over, picked it up and handed it to him before walking away before he could talk to them. Customs to get into Helsinki consisted of one security guard standing next to a X-Ray scanner which had been turned off, arms folded, and with a look of 'do you really think I care?'


16. On our first night in Helsinki, before we'd realised how close we were to this bar, we decided to take a stroll to the outskirts of Helsinki, to an area called Kallio. Or as was described to us, “cheap student bars,” I liked the idea of it being cheap (and Alex liked the prospect of hitting on teenage girls) so we made our way to a small karaoke bar in the middle of nowhere. We were the only foreigners in the entire place making it a great opportunity to see how the Finns spend their time. Turns out they like to sing Finnish folk and the 'Titanic' theme tune in a thick accent (Alex has the video's of this). I'd laugh at the Finnish accent but in truth it's quite...is adorable the right word? Contagious at the very least; I'd occasionally begin to find myself sporting a strange Finnish/English hybrid to the point that people were trying to guess which part of Finland I came from (clearly not Helsinki) and I'd have to consciously try to snap out of it again.


17. The stereotypes I'd heard about the Finns seem to be largely true; they're amongst the friendliest bunch of people I've encountered (the least xenophobic at the least), which is a little ironic given the popularity of metal music and the general stereotype regarding what metal fans are like. They're often very laid back and never seem to be in any sort of a rush; cars will contently stop for you to cross when they don't necessarily have to – a nerve wracking experience at first as you crawl across, waiting for them to rev up GTA style – and yet they're often incredibly shy and modest. The number of times I heard “oh but Estonia is nicer” and “the women there are more beautiful” actually began to become frustrating, especially seeing as I don't think that it's true. Despite their proximity the two countries are remarkably different and both have their charm. Even after a few drinks I found that it was often us engaging the locals in conversation, partly because they're more comfortable talking amongst friends in Finnish – understandable of course – but I don't think there was a note of prejudice involved, instead I think it was more because they simply feared interrupting us, or of bothering us by their mere presence.



18. Walking around Helsinki and the Finnish reputation as lovers of nature probably isn't all that apparent, but it's only when you begin to see the number of Greenpeace volunteers on the street, or the value held to fresh meat and fish, or the large parks in the middle of the small city. Take a look at the laws regarding fishing or camping; you don't need a license, you just need to be responsible; don't start a fire where it could burn down a forest, and don't fish more than you need, and the fact so much trust is placed upon the individual speaks volumes about how inherently respectful they are of the nature that surrounds them, and as soon as you take a stroll out into the surrounding wilderness you suddenly appreciate why.


19. The popularity of metal here is in fact, quite staggering. I always knew it was more popular here than in many other countries but it's more evident than I expected, and I'm not talking about that wimpy core crap either. It's more than just the number of metal CD stores still struggling to make ends meet, or the more commercial outlets with large sections devoted to the genre, but it runs deeper than that. I had one guy – remember how I said they were shy? - start a conversation with me upon seeing me wear a Chthonic shirt; Simo and his very drunk friend Susanna, and so ensued a discussion on the blackest of the black out of the blue (that would NEVER happen back home). Then another overheard and joined in, offering some whisky to toast the darkness. It's not an exclusively young thing either, I nearly took a photo of a woman in her mid-50s proudly sporting an 'Entombed' shirt as though it was nothing, and even in the poppy trendy bars they seem to not blink an eye if something a little heavier than the norm came on.


20. You know you're a music nerd when you're naming Finnish bands that nobody in Finland seems to know (though everyone knows Alamaailman Vasarat \o/)


21. I know this one probably sounds a little strange, but the tap water here is really tasty to drink. You know how when you're really thirsty and you finally get your hands on a bottle of spring water, how easily it seems to flow and how refreshing it is? Yeah, Finnish tap water. It really hits home how hard the stuff is over here; you could bottle this stuff and sell it back home for a fortune. The land of a thousand lakes does indeed have some good water...


22. This one was written down in full detail but since losing my work, I also lost all the messages that went into making this as informative as it once was. The following occurred on the Friday night before our departure on the streets of Helsinki, Finland. It was to start out like any other; we get ready then go out for our voyage on the seas of whatever beer happens to be sold at the first pub that caught our attention. It was early when I told Alex that I might make this an early one, seeing as I was fairly tired from all the late nights and was feeling sleepy. Well let me tell you, that idea when out the fucking window.
    
    Meeting up with our foreign friends, Venla, and her friend Anna – whom I think Alex had a thing for – we set off to begin the nights drinking and merriment, but by 3am everything had died down, Anna had left, and suddenly without someone to flirt with Alex began to feel the pain of sleepiness on his gentle brow. Somehow the night had if anything made me more awake, but it was the world weary Alex that decided he would set off and I would follow him shortly afterwards (the hotel was only around the corner, so I figured he could find his way back ok). And this is where the fun begins.
    
    It wasn't long before I received a text, “I've lost my key.” I told him to come back to the bar and let me finish my drink, then we'd walk back together. When he arrived he promptly demanded that I give him my key, adamant that he needed to go to sleep. After pointing out that doing so I would be locked out, he said he'd wait up (nullifying the point of going back), but I wasn't sure. Not that I didn't trust him, just that I wouldn't be surprised if he fell asleep by accident. Arguments ensued, and noticing Venla looking a little awkward in this situation I tried lightening the mood by joking that “if he'd just have kept quiet I'd have probably finished my drink by now,” which prompted him to storm off.
    
    Text Two: “You're a fucking cunt, bitch, dick, etc, etc. I can't fucking believe you left me, fucking dick.” This was when I figured I probably ought to go find him, so supped the last of my pint and started to walk back. Text Three “You're a fucking cunt fucking dick where the fuck are you fuck you've been ages fucking cunt.” This arrived approximately 30 seconds after the last. Text Three: “Fucking cunt fucking dick my eyes fuck you call yourself a friend.” This was only a minute or so after the last, and it was at this point that I'd decided if he was going to be rude because he'd lost his key and couldn't wait ten minutes, then I'd... OOH PIZZA.
    
    Yes, it was by now my phone was being ignored and I was happily munching on pizza. As it turns out Alex was sending messages much in the same vulgar manner as before, only including the phrases “I'm gonna beat you when I see you” and “how are you gonna get up in the morning? It's nearly 5!” amusingly sent almost dead on 4am, and I would be the one to wake him up. After maybe 20-30mins of munching I returned to the hotel to find Alex. A few punches to the chest, and him getting me in a headlock, he wrestled me to the ground for my keycard, tried locking me out (but my foot was in the door) whilst he stormed off and I was left talking to the security he'd called about it all. Convincing them we were fine, I sat down.
    
    Alex: “What took you so long”
    Me: “After you insulted me a few times I decided to stop off for pizza”
    Alex: “...I want pizza”
    
    It should be noted that we were fine afterwards, it's just an amusing footnote in our adventure, and this wasn't the first one of us had abandoned the other for food; it was only the night before that I tried to drag Alex away from a prostitute he was asking for a kebab from, eventually giving up and heading back alone. Apparently she told him the cost was 150e, which caused him to exclaim “150 for a fucking kebab.” Sure enough, he did indeed stagger back in with a kebab. I still have no idea where he got it from.


23. As our final full day in Finland begins to dawn, whilst I still think Helsinki is beautiful place to come and visit (I wouldn't be surprised to find myself returning one day), I did get the point that friends made before I set off; to leave Helsinki. There was a nagging feeling that I was missing out on what Finland was really all about, and so embarks my final quest to navigate the busses and travel to a remote part of Espoo, lake Kaitalampi; to find wild fruit in the forests, make a campfire to cook my lunch, listen to folk metal by the freshwater lake and swim in its cool waters. Alex probably had far too much faith in my navigation abilities, but sure enough we accomplished all this and more. Whilst Alex admitted he felt unsure about how good the trip would be, it turned into a trip highlight; the place is breathtakingly beautiful. Alex turned out to be a good hand as the chef and together we succeeded in making ourselves a campfire. I simply don't think it's possible to be sad in a location such as this, but I'll let the photo's speak for themselves...


24. Bonus Round: 'Shit Alex Says'
    
    “Fuck why do they make this so hard?”
    “Alex it's a light switch”
    
    “I'm not going to a cat house”
    “Why not? It's not as if they're whores or anything...”
    
    “Here's the thing I don't understand, why are there so many paintings of Jesus in churches?
    
    “I said to them, you want me to get an HTC? A Samsung Galaxy? No, they're in black. What do you think I'm gonna look like wearing white jeans carrying one of them?”
    
    Every shot at English pool: “Am I reds?”
    Moving on to 9-ball: “Am I reds?”
    
    “Whose the Dalai Lama?” “Oh yeah, I've heard of Tibet but why are there so many people with 'Free Tibet' signs?”
    
    “I'm not a metrosexual ok? Just because I use three kinds of moisturiser doesn't make me a metrosexual. I'm taking care of my appearance so I'll slap on some Nivea, I bet your dad does the same thing... what really? You don't moisturise?”


25. The Beer Chronicles:
    
    Beer in Estonia was not that much different from the cost around London, and Helsinki costs even more than that; you're looking at 5e for a drink in a bar here, and whilst there are some great spots to hit on both sides of the pond, they can really hurt the ol' bank balance. Spirits are not common over here and so they really charge you through the nose for 'em; you can expect to pay 4e a shot in most places, which is ridiculous. I get the impression it's largely for tourists. This really is beer country, and like my homeland most seem to prefer to sup on a pint that anything else (in some bars I could even buy a 'Bishops Finger' or a 'Spitfire,' local English ales!), and that suits me just fine. So here's a short stint on the beers of my travels:
    
    
    • Medovar Honey: Only sold at the Beer House in Tallinn, sweet (as you'd expect being brewed slowly using honey) but it's not too strong tasting, though certainly ain't no lager, and at only 5% is impressively easy to drink. The price is fairly reasonable, if slightly on the high side, but definitely constitutes one of the best beers on the trip.
    
    
    • Hell Hunt Tume: Another specialty brew, only sold at the Hell Hunt bar in Tallinn. Another good one from the trip; as the name might suggest (tume is “dark” in estonian) it's a dark beer with a strong taste without the overt alcohol content. This makes it easier to drink, almost like a really light trappist beer, but somehow it feels that it's lacking some of the richness of a stronger beer. Still, another good one to try.
    
    
    • Cinnamon Beer: Bought from “La Hansa,” a medieval themed restaurant in Estonia. Despite sounding interesting it tasted a little like they took some lager and sprinkled cinnamon into it. It just doesn't blend well, and the cinnamon lends it an odd bitter flavour. I mean, I guess at least it HAS a flavour... just felt like it should have been served warm. And sweet. And as a mead.
    
    
    • Saku Original: It's a lager. It's weak, tasteless, everything you'd expect from a lager. A little bit on the gassy side, but otherwise one fat 'meh.'
    
    
    • Duff Beer: Yes, they serve Homer Simpson's favourite beer here. It's perhaps mildly better than your average lager, but I was drunk myself when I drank it. Another big fat “who cares?”
    
    
    • Saku Tume: Found all over Tallinn, this one can be painful if you fail to notice that it's 6.7%, as we found out on our first night on the town. Despite being dark and strong, it's balanced such that it never feels too strong, making it relatively easy to drink, especially for a dark beer.
    
    
    • Saku Porter: Much like the Tume, they've made it a little stronger (6.9%) and this really does tip it into overly strong, and doesn't work so well. It might go better as a cheap alternative to a trappist beer, to be drunk slowly...but if you're going to drink slowly to appreciate the flavour why not just buy a trappist beer?
    
    
    • Saku Hele: Oddly, I prefer this one to the original. It's lighter, slightly sweeter and though with a subtle taste, does indeed have one. It still ain't my first choice but it was probably one of the better lagers I tried.
    
    
    • Munchen Vashnu Ole: A strong amber ale sold in some bars in Tallinn, at 6.7% you expect it to knock your socks off, only it doesn't. It really ain't bad, in fact along with the Medovar and Saku tume it would probably be amongst my favourites.
    
    
    • Finlandia Sahti: Traditional Lappish beer, at 8% this is designed to warm the coggles and that it does. It's not like the warming affect of spirits, but it does indeed leave you with a delightful warm sensation. It is however, incredibly strong tasting no matter how much honey they use to try to balance it, and whilst with a great flavour it's not one to be drunk quickly.
    
    
    • Koff III: Possibly the weakest, shittiest beer I've ever had. I mean, gimme a freakin' watered down bud light already, jeez. It was so bad I “accidentally” knocked it on the floor and moved on.
    
    
    • Karhu: Still a lager, but definitely in the upper echelons of lagers, and probably the best on my travels. It was flavoursome but not too strong, not too heavy on the alcohol, not too gassy, and easy to drink down. It became my usual around Helsinki for these reasons.
    
    
    • Lapin Kulta: Considering it's a lager, this one ain't too shabby either. There's a not unwelcome hint of a bitter aftertaste but it simply wasn't as nice as the Karhu.
    
    
    • Mongozo Banana Beer: Weak and relatively light at only 3.6%, but incredibly strong banana flavour. It's nothing too bad, but it's not brilliant either. The banana overpowers it and leaves an unsavoury tang.
    
    
    • Sinnen Finnish Beer: A 4.5% lager with a strong, bitter aftertaste. Whilst not weak, the taste just reminds me of earwax; it ain't refreshing, it ain't easy to drink. Quite frankly it fails quite badly.